Future Farmer of America

Tonight we visited the state fair. It was a strange experience. I grew up in a small Tennessee town outside of Nashville. However the county took pride hosting the best county fair in the state. With plenty of acreage for vendors and buildings for livestock and exhibits, it kept the curious mind engaged for hours.

The Kentucky State Fair could make a person right down spoiled. Except for the amusement rides and some food vendors all events were contained in air conditioned buildings. A huge facility that never seemed to end. On a normal year when mid-August temperatures are in the 90s I am sure the cool building is appreciated. For this strange year, today being high of 79, low 57, it would be nice to enjoy festivities outside. I also dressed ready to get dirty wearing jeans and tennis shoes. But unnecessary. I was inside most of the time walking on smooth clean floors.

My daughter, Lucy, got to experience her first fair, as unconventional as it was. The fair offered plenty of kid friendly exhibits as well as offering good hygiene. There were hand washing stations everywhere. I am quite diligent about teaching animals and the sounds they make, but Lucy's association comes mostly from books. Tonight books became reality. Like her exposure to the chickens and dogs, she now understands the sounds cows, pigs, and sheep make.

To top off the evening, ending on a sugar high, Lucy enjoyed locally made cookie 'n cream ice cream. Maybe next year Lucy can appreciate the true August fair in 90 degree heat and 100% humidity with her feet covered in dust.

Slightly Disgusting. Read with Discretion

With this lead, allow me to offer insight about my daughter's bowl movements. Based upon a certain expression I almost always know when she has experienced a poop. I will ask, "Did you poopie?" And she will respond with a firm "No" when in fact the perplexed straining face says otherwise.

When this particular bath time is finished I allow my daughter to move around and air out as usual. Give her booty a breather sort of speak. She has sashayed around the room then stops to sit on her knees with her bottom touching the floor. I look down and notice a brown nugget. My daughter looks down and notices another nugget developing from between her legs. She looks at me and screams in horror as she pushes out the remaining piece. It was as if this was the first time to ever see poop and how dare it come from her body.

I quickly grab her body returning her to the tub to use the sprayer rinsing off any debris. She continues crying. Sensing this could be a teachable moment I point to her work and say "poopie." I leave her to the tub while I clean up the clump from the floor. Years of dog messes has prepared me for this occasion. Once the area is sanitized I return my daughter to the floor to continue her ritual, however, she seems altered and confused. Once dried off I wrap her cloth diaper around her and we wave "bye-bye" to her turd as it flushes down the toilet. Then I immediately had to text a picture to my husband to explain the event. As humorous as I find her reaction to be I can only hope this has been a valuable lesson towards potty training. I can hope, can't I?

My Daughter Doesn't Walk

My daughter Lucy is 17 months old. She continues to bring wonderful delight to my husband and myself. My husband who is quite the joker and impressionist is only made more entertaining when Lucy imitates his characters. Lucy and I have been volunteering at the animal rescue and all the other volunteers agree Lucy is the best patiently watching as mommy cleans poop and pee. She is also gracious to greet the calm dogs while correcting the excited ones. She often offers directions in the house pointing to objects eager to learn its name. And when an uncompleted task creates frustration, talk about a tantrum.

Lucy loves to crow with the rooster. She loves stuffed animals, especially pink ones. She loves eating cottage cheese, humus, and smoothies. She loves drapping objects around her neck such as necklaces, purse straps, and my underwear. She loves nodding her head and swaying her hips to a catchy beat. She loves when I start reading a book and she finishes with the book upside-down. She loves having a good conversation with herself and ending on a punchline and a giggle. Rummaging through drawers and cabinets offers endless entertainment as well as exploring the outdoors.

All this to say, my daughter has a personality that can meet no frown. Yet, I am consumed with her lack of walking. I probably have one of the easiest, loving kids, but it's not enough. She must walk because it is a reflection on my parenting, right? She is my first so I have to prove I can parent well.

We had a physical therapist evaluate her development. She was described and bright, but noticed a hindrance. Lucy has very flexible ankles that allow for weak instability. She needs to wear sneakers to offer an arch and stabilize the ankles. Standing tippy toe is okay and moving through obstacles like pillows can be fun exercises.

I am thinking, "Weak ankles! What have I done to inhibit muscle strength?" I rarely used a swing or pack n' play, unless she was already asleep. Never used a walker. Used a jumper, but only a few minutes (~ 20 minutes) daily. Honestly, I left her on the floor for the majority to have tummy time. Why does her other cousins (3X ~ six months apart) have high muscle tone while she is a limp noodle?

I could play the blame game and try to push my child to work harder, but it would not make me nor her happier. I would probably only alienate her. The lack of motility, though hard on my hip from side holding her, has offered more time together. I do not sense she is trying to gain independence from me for that will come soon enough. She still reaches up to me so we can meet new discoveries.

It might be a mistake, but I have decided to wait on the physical therapy. Thank goodness for parents who know what she is going through and offer reassurance that she will be walking in no time- then I will not be able to catch her. She has arch building tennis shoes. I sneak chocolate on the counter as an enticement. Place objects of interest in higher drawers to encourage tippy toes to build muscle. I allow her to climb furniture to offer accomplishment. Lucy has been pretty successful so far. The last thing I want to suggest is, "You're not doing it right. You better work harder." Besides working for chocolate on kitchen stools is more fun.

For some reason I think to myself, "If we can overcome this obstacle life will be so much better." Then I remind myself it will always be something. This is the easy part. I am simply afraid of letting her down. Lucy is an awesome child and I hope she will continue to be recognized for her delightful personality apart from my shortcomings.

Above all, I want to show responsibility for my most cherished gift and gratefulness to be apart of her life.

A Water Baby

The Beloved Bernheim

Having fun

Tonight offers one of those crystal clear skies revealing every star. The detail is so extravagant I can see the mythological characters connecting the dots. The Milky Way is draping the galactic darkness and I am engulfed by the vastness of space expanding as I shrink away.

Who am I?

The response, “ I think she is having an identity crisis,” is fairly familiar. I have often brought myself to wondering who I am, what do I want, what is my purpose. I have considered myself as a photographer, outdoorsy, a handy-woman, woodworker, supervisor, and nurse. Strangely enough I have fantasied being a singer, screen writer/filmaker, Olympian, world traveling photojournalist, politician, and humanitarian. I have been described as a free-spirit, stubborn, walking to a different beat, whimsical, odd. How many times have I cried out to God demanding my purpose be revealed so I can feel important?

Then I latched sight on my daughter covered in blood looking fatigued and I was completely transformed and smitten. The more time I spend in my daughter’s company the clearer is the message. I am a mother. I am my child’s guide. I am once more in love. I have purpose.

My mother once told me she lived vicariously through me. As a recent college graduate the statement sounded pathetic thinking she had to live through me to make-up for her own shortcomings. Because my daughter is only one it may be different for me, but I feel the same way now. I get to experience life, first things, all over again through the eyes of my child. Watching her close her eyes as she enjoys the winds blowing her face. Trying to process the trumpets of crickets and frogs. Being wheeled through the forest spotting each passing tree. The enjoyment she gains as I play peek-a-boo showing all my teeth as I smile then receiving a giggled grin in return.

I feel like the luckiest woman and blessed that my husband can support us while allowing me to stay home. Sometimes I am asked, “But do you really feel fulfilled?” It seems the mentality is I am not complete unless I am receiving a paycheck to prove my worth. I absolutely feel fulfilled. I get to watch my daughter’s every accomplishment and frustration. I get to praise her or hold her close. She will probably take me for granted because I am always there, but I will always be there for her.

Besides, I am not just a stay-at-home mom. I have gained new roles and identities. Some are better than others. Janitor, housekeeper, farmer. I am learning teacher, guide, baker. I am taking on the role of defender. Defender of truth as well as my daughter's defender. I hope to challenge her to find the truth and and walk an exceptional life. I even get to practice my other skills as a nurse, photographer, and supervisor. And my fantasies of being a singer, filmmaker, and humanitarian are being practiced as well.

Its possible I will have a mid-crisis or be an empty-nester, but I have a feeling my husband will always have chores keeping me busy. I can say that so far producing my daughter is my greatest achievement and as she develops and matures I can foresee it only getting better. For one role I never envisioned myself playing is cheerlead, but I plan on being her biggest fan.