Who am I?

The response, “ I think she is having an identity crisis,” is fairly familiar. I have often brought myself to wondering who I am, what do I want, what is my purpose. I have considered myself as a photographer, outdoorsy, a handy-woman, woodworker, supervisor, and nurse. Strangely enough I have fantasied being a singer, screen writer/filmaker, Olympian, world traveling photojournalist, politician, and humanitarian. I have been described as a free-spirit, stubborn, walking to a different beat, whimsical, odd. How many times have I cried out to God demanding my purpose be revealed so I can feel important?

Then I latched sight on my daughter covered in blood looking fatigued and I was completely transformed and smitten. The more time I spend in my daughter’s company the clearer is the message. I am a mother. I am my child’s guide. I am once more in love. I have purpose.

My mother once told me she lived vicariously through me. As a recent college graduate the statement sounded pathetic thinking she had to live through me to make-up for her own shortcomings. Because my daughter is only one it may be different for me, but I feel the same way now. I get to experience life, first things, all over again through the eyes of my child. Watching her close her eyes as she enjoys the winds blowing her face. Trying to process the trumpets of crickets and frogs. Being wheeled through the forest spotting each passing tree. The enjoyment she gains as I play peek-a-boo showing all my teeth as I smile then receiving a giggled grin in return.

I feel like the luckiest woman and blessed that my husband can support us while allowing me to stay home. Sometimes I am asked, “But do you really feel fulfilled?” It seems the mentality is I am not complete unless I am receiving a paycheck to prove my worth. I absolutely feel fulfilled. I get to watch my daughter’s every accomplishment and frustration. I get to praise her or hold her close. She will probably take me for granted because I am always there, but I will always be there for her.

Besides, I am not just a stay-at-home mom. I have gained new roles and identities. Some are better than others. Janitor, housekeeper, farmer. I am learning teacher, guide, baker. I am taking on the role of defender. Defender of truth as well as my daughter's defender. I hope to challenge her to find the truth and and walk an exceptional life. I even get to practice my other skills as a nurse, photographer, and supervisor. And my fantasies of being a singer, filmmaker, and humanitarian are being practiced as well.

Its possible I will have a mid-crisis or be an empty-nester, but I have a feeling my husband will always have chores keeping me busy. I can say that so far producing my daughter is my greatest achievement and as she develops and matures I can foresee it only getting better. For one role I never envisioned myself playing is cheerlead, but I plan on being her biggest fan.