The journey

Today I dropped off my husband at the airport. He is traveling to Tokyo and then to Singapore. I six day journey with nearly four days of travel time. My husband wished me a good week and regret I cannot join him, but I am far from disappointment. The idea of twenty-fours hours spent on a plane with a 19 month old is hardly my idea of a good time. Six hours returning from Alaska might have caused me to loose my sanity as I hung my head in shame because of an inconsolable child. Though my daughter was well behaved flying to Alaska it was stressful making sure I was adequately prepared. Did I have enough diapers and wipes? Did I pack enough food, much less food she would like? Did I bring the right toys to keep her entertained during travel? So 24 hours of air time? No thank you.

Now, this mentality is strange for me because in college I had great aspirations of becoming a world traveler as a photojournalist. Of course, National Geographic had an influence, but being a contract photographer had its appeal as well. I would go anywhere for any amount of time constantly looking for cheap last minute flights ready to go in a moments notice. Needless to say my window of opportunity never opened or maybe I did not have the "right stuff." Instead I made compromises and new strategies and probably even settled. A whole new coarse was developed and now I am a stay-at-home mom.

Any regret? Absolutely not. I love my daughter and I love being the one she relays on for guidance and support. To me it is a very important job where I feel very honored to be graced with an amazing child and a wonderful husband who can provide for us.

The moment my husband learned about his opportunity to fly to Asia he spent three weeks in a flurry of excitement and preparation. He devoted hours researching Japanese customs and Singapore's rules. Particularly Singapore, worried he would wind up arrested for not having his shoes tied correctly or his hair parted the wrong direction. The night before his flight he could hardly sleep.

I totally understand his thrill. I went 48 hours without sleep on my way to Europe from the anticipation. I am happy for my husband having this opportunity to branch out past the U.S. borders. It makes me smirk seeing him full of wonder and butterflies. How many times has he asked me what I want as a souvenir? I truly hope he has an unforgettable trip.

Yet, there is this weird feeling inside me. It is not that I am jealous my husband is traveling without me. I am fairly certain it is not that I will be alone. It is not resentment towards my daughter as if she is holding me back. I am not thinking those thoughts at all. I do not want to travel long distance for a short period of time. I do not want to be crammed in a plane with other disease infested people. I do not want to worry about managing my way in a foreign country hoping not to get robbed. I do not even want to travel without my daughter.

What is wrong with me?!?!? This is not how I use to think. How many abandon warehouses have I trespassed? How many homeless have I assisted, including offering a ride? How many roads have I roamed long before ever owning a cell phone? Now all I can think of is the safety and wellbeing of my daughter.

That weird feeling inside is me wondering why I am not be ready to jump on a plane. Why have I allowed my passport to expire? Why I am not ready to drag my daughter anywhere I want to go?

The only answer I think is feasible is, my daughter comes first and, honestly, I am okay with that. I do not need to worry that I have changed. I have not lost my adventurous spirit. I look at my daughter as someone to share the adventures. I think I realize eventually she will be old enough to travel farther distances, strong enough to keep up with mommy, bold enough to attempt new heights. I am not settling, but rather preparing her for the journey. One day we will go to Europe then to Israel and hopefully to New Zealand and so forth. It does not matter if this comes to fruition or not. I may not be the great world traveler. I am content with who I am. If the Lord chooses to bless me with more foreign travel, especially for educational purposes for my daughter, I will gladly accept. Until then, I have a daughter to raise and hopefully perk her interests for the world around her.