Its my birfday!

Today I turn 36. Not a landmark birthday. Young enough to not feel old. Old enough to not feel young. I admit, I look at the mirror and see the differences. The neck is starting to sag. The marionette lines around my mouth are deeper, but concealable with smiling. There are fine lines around my eyes. My facial skin no longer feels smooth, but rough and porous. I have gray hairs on my head that refuge to be dyed or colored.

I can live with the physical/cosmetic signs of aging. It is the mechanical rusting I have struggles. But it is weird. Physical exercise like running or hiking, no problems. My husband gave me a Stand Up Paddle board for Christmas. I take it around the pond for laps, I have a blast (apart from loosing my balance and falling in freezing cold water). It is the daily grind that gets me. Bending over to pick up toys. Feeling that ache. Spend a day painting furniture for the daughter's bedroom. The muscles are pulling. Shoveling out chicken poop of the coop. My hip is screaming. This is a pain I have been experiencing for nearly a year.

I have discussed my remedies before. I am now taking magnesium recommended by a acupuncturist. I drink turmeric milk. And I do a lot of resting with the heating the pad, which feels the best, but no lasting relief. I mention all this because I would like to be pregnant and the idea of a growing mellon in my womb while cringing at the slightest bend is exhausting. My last pregnancy made me feel old as my growing belly gave me shortness of breath. Then raising the kid has made me feel older as I strain to find a tolerable position to lift my daughter.

But what is in my head? I do not feel old. In my mind I still consider myself 28. Ready to take off and explore. Jumping to start a new project. Wanting to learn something new. My body, particularly my right hip, says, "Oh no, Girl! I don't think so!"

I keep waiting for a miracle hoping my body will suddenly heal itself and I can continue on my way. Pretend the discomfort never existed and go believing I am still 28. It can happen, right?