To understand. This has been a difficult task for me to grasp. To claim. I have a terrible habit of finding discontentment while also becoming agitated. I want to live in the moment enjoy every hiccup, bungle, and laugh. However, so often I dwell on my discomfort, my fatigue, the offering of my every essence. It's a lousy way to exist, yet I cannot seem to help myself.
When these pictures were taken I had a lovely weekend. The moments that passed made me love and cherish my children. We got to share a gorgeous location with family and embrace all the wonder around us. The kids were wild and ridiculously noisy, but some reason I did not care. I did not grow frustrated. I was not tired. I felt confident. I felt comfortable.
Fast forward about a month later and I am seeping back into my insecurities. I am drained. I am impatient. I am hostile. Nearly a month of quarantine, caution, and isolation from friends and I feel nearly spent. I have tried to keep us busy to ignore our lockdown. We have decorated, painted, baked, foraged, pretended, read, all the Christmas things. And I am just flat out exhausted. I am also lonely. In three weeks I have had interaction with my kids and they are as flawed as I am so it can make for a bad combination.
In this Christmas season, when we are suppose to be full of light and cheer, giving and interacting everything has come to a halt. All the plans I wanted to give with time- omitted. Church service- cancelled. Christmas this year feels empty. More than anything I wanted this holiday to be amazing to prove God could overcome all the gloomy days of 2020. I wanted this season to be special without all the hustle and bustle of commercialism and the fake sense of festivities.
I wanted to prove spending time with my kids was all I needed to experience the warmth of the Christmas spirit. All I felt has been disappointment. So there it is again. Perception.
What am I missing? What am I not understanding?
First, I would say I am not taking care of my needs. I am not sleeping enough (as I write this its super late). I have the Word, but I am not dwelling on it. And I need to be deeper in prayer. I am good about praying for other people's needs, but I forget to concentrate on my relationship with Jesus. Most importantly, I am not yielding in the peace of Jesus to be in control. I consume myself with politics and the news, but I forget to lift it all to God in prayer. I neglect to remember I am a child of God as well as my children and I struggle almost in the same ways as my children, but maybe a little more quietly. I frequently ignore I am saved by grace by a very patient Father. A patience I need to show my children.
No, Christmas did not transform into the glorious chorus I have been desiring, but that dos not negate the awesome gift given to us as very flawed creations. Whether or not churches have their candle light services or even if there are no Christmas parades or if Christmas caroling is silenced the power of Jesus is not dead. There is victory in his name. Whether we are dead or alive, the King Almighty will be praised. That is perception I must never forget. That is the perception I need to pass on to my children.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly Spring. I certainly can relate and have had some of the same feelings and thoughts. I've seen so much suffering, death, fear and fatigue in our hospitals. Thank you for the reminder that God is still with us. He undoubtedly knows when I'm at the end of my proverbial rope and shows up in often unexpected ways. After a heart wrenching call to the mother of a young covid pt in our ICU, I called the spouse of another covid pt that had been in the ICU a month. He had not seen her in all that time, yet he was so appreciative of our care and so full of love for his wife. He was still hopeful and had faith that God would bring her back home to him. We had a great talk and I prayed for him and his wife. His spirits and mine were lifted . I asked if there was anything else I could do and he said when I go by her room to tell her he loves her. After the call, I got a red marker and wrote in big letters "[her husband's name] says I love you!" And taped it to the glass door of her room. She was so weak and didn't notice me. I knocked on the glass to get her attention and she struggled to raise her head and look at me. As I pointed to the sign she read it. Her whole continance changed and her face and eyes brightened immensely! She then managed to give me a very weak thumbs up. God was there lifting all our spirits, fulfilling his promises to never leave us nor forsake us. That he can burst through our discontentment and give us hope and joy.
Post a Comment