I have a girl

One summer break from college I had a job as a counselor at a camp. Starting the season late for the first couple of weeks I was used as a substitute for a variety of ages for both boys and girls. For the remaining summer I was given 5 year old boys, whom I loved dearly. Though whiney they were loving, imaginative, adventurous, and trusting. I left that summer for the first time thinking I could be a mother, but only if I had a boy.

Fast forward thirteen years later my husband and I are in the imaging room as the technician moves her wand over my belly to determine our baby's gender. The technicians stops her hand and freezes the frame. On the screen before us are three bumps. I squeal to myself, "We're having a boy." Then when the technician announces, "Looks like a girl," I remember the testicles do not descend until after birth.

Originally, I did not want to know the sex of my baby even when everyone thought I should know, but my husband thought it would be wise to learn, so reluctantly I requested to know. It was good for me to learn her gender to work out my fears and doubts. What if she turns out like my sister, a prima donna demanding the attention of her audience. Or worse, like me, completely stubborn and bull-headed and entirely too accident prone. But I was able to use the next few months to mentally prepare myself for having a little girl.

Part of preparing also meant trying to be gender neutral, which in retrospect is a bit of a joke. Once people learn you are having a girl all bets are off and here comes the pink, no matter how much I communicate I hate the color pink. Trying to find pink-less without looking boyish is equally as hard. Then there are the handy downs. A friend of my husband's gave us straight up pink clothing, no other colors offered. As for the other baby paraphernalia gender neutral was accomplished. Car seats, crib, stroller, floor gym, etc.

Another part of my dilemma with a girl goes to back to the saying, "Have a boy, worry about his penis. Have a girl, worry about every boy's penis" I kept suggesting we buy a small island to start our on commune or purchasing a chastity belt. More than anything I want her to remain virtuous to protect her heart. I know all to well that compromising sex creates conflict of the heart. Yes, I want her to love unconditionally, but can I teach her that love and sex have deeper meanings than TV shows joke about or condone? Then came the anxiety of who do I trust. One in five girls will be molested seems mind numbing. Then get a group of ten women together and sure enough one, probably two, will admit to the violation. But I also learned of stories of little boys suffering detestable acts. Is anyone safe?

Then the arrival of my daughter came. The moment I first laid eyes are her is still vivid in my memory. There she was laying on my chest looking at me in bewilderment. She was gorgeous, absolutely beautiful. It seemed so surreal that blossoming tummy enclosed this precious gift now dependent upon my protection and nurture. All the uncertainty and apprehensions and unease seemed unfathomable. This little ray of sunshine was my blessing and only the best of care should I provide.

Now she is 18 months old and it is amazing how her personality has developed. I tried to avoid the pink, however Lucy's hair has been slow to grow. I can cover that girl head to toe in bright pink and inevitably I will have a stranger tell me what I cute boy I have. I buy gender neutral toys, mostly farm themed. She enjoys pushing cars around the floor and mimicking all the animal sounds and being behind the steering wheel making Roooom sounds. She also delights at placing an unused pair of cheetah pattern underwear around her neck. Playing with my makeup brushes. Cuddling her baby or her many stuffed animals. Turning anything with a strap into a necklace. Trying on all my shoes. Pointing her toes like a ballerina. Claiming all the pink items like a furry hat or her beloved "Pinky" the bear.

She is a girl, no denying that fact. My husband and I have different visions of what Lucy's pursuits will be as she grows up. The girl next door softball player. The equestrian. The mountain climber. The musician. The dancer. I am guessing she will be dainty, but a charmer to all friends or foes. She has a smile that makes you melt and a cry that makes me crumble. I will not be able to keep her protected from everything, this fact I am very aware. She brings out the best in me and provides a reason to be a better person. I know my best bet is to keep her in prayer. She is a blessing, but she is ultimately in God's hands, which offers me better relief than my protection. She is my girl and I love her very much.