O' to Scout

It has now been two months since my CataWalker hound, Scout, was hit by a vehicle and found dead on the side of the road. I still cry when I find a photo of her. I will second guess myself when I hear a hound cry in the distance. Now and then I will find one of her hairs on the floor and question whether or not to throw it away. I went through the entire process of grieving her death: denial, anger, barter, depression, and acceptance. I still wish I could have her heavy head resting on my lap as I pet her soft velvet ears.

Another part of my grieving process was to find a replacement running companion and nanny for my daughter. We still have a terrier mix who is blind and over-weight. I try running with her but she can only last so long before I place her in the back of the stroller. With my dog's blindness I am nervous she may snap at my daughter's unexpected movement, like being grabbed. However, my husband has wisely asked that we not get another dog for the time being.

My remedy: volunteer at the local animal rescue. There I clean up poop and pee while getting pounced by over-excited under exercised dogs, feed and water, and if there is anytime left work on the leash practicing self-control. Volunteering has been the perfect antidote from adopting another dog. It also offers doggy and kitty exposure for my daughter. Secretly, I still look out for the perfect dog should we cross paths.

With the loss of Scout, I still feel the blame of her death. I could still have her by my side had I not succumbed to her begging to be released to hunt. I almost said no, then felt sorry for her. I once heard if you can raise a cool dog you will be a good parent. I once thought I would be a pretty good parent then as I acquired my third dog I thought less of my abilities.

Before my daughter was born I had a dachshund, terrier mutt, and the 60 pound hound. Not long after the hound entered the family the dachshund and terrier started fighting often leaving the dachshund severely wounded. Before my daughter's birth for my sanity and the protection of the dachshund I released her to my mother's care and has been well spoiled. The terrier who has always been afraid and snappy of other dogs seemed to settle down. Then about five months after Lucy's birth we discovered the terrier had lost vision in both eyes due to glaucoma, a disease that does progress before permanency had we not been distracted by a newly arrived baby. During a camping trip the large hound was segregated to a tie line while all the other family small dogs roamed free. Unexpectedly, a friendly unsuspecting dog approached Scout who tore into the dog sending him to the emergency veterinary. Scout had turned into uncontrollable monster on the line and the whole weekend was ruined. I had looked into dog training for aggressive behavior but would have to wait four months for the classes to start.

Reflecting on my dogs and their weaknesses and disabilities then considering I am a mother to a person I find myself increasingly inadequate for the task. I have not been able to teach my terrier to calm her anger toward other dogs. Consequently, the hound started imitating the behavior but at four times the size. I later learned that family did not want the hound visiting because of her excited puppy nature. I could never keep my dachshund protected from harm often receiving a deep gash or tear. Now the terrier, my last remaining dog is about eight pounds over weight, nearly helpless, and I often find her a nuisance. Why do I think I can be a good mom? Their quarks and now Scout's death makes me very leery for how my daughter will turn out.

I wish I could end on a sweeter note, but these are doubts that I hope with time I will be able to overcome. Surely, because I am consciously aware of my shortcomings I will be able to make alterations and be the best my daughter needs me to be. Also realize there is a difference between dogs and people, but.......